But not something overly dramatic. What I’m trying to say, is that there are people who have been through hell, and I shouldn’t complain. Wich I’m not, by the way, however I feel like you’re judging me already. Sigh.
Anyway, I’ve been depressed (recovering), my fathers an alcoholic (recovering) and I’ve always been overweight and then there’s those damn self-esteem issues. I don’t feel comfortable in my body, I do feel comfortable in my mind. I’ve accepted the person I am. I can’t change for the better, because I’ve realised that I am at my best. This is me, and there’s always gonna be people who hate me, and then there’s those who accept me. And I wanna make sure, I’ll never do something to hurt them, ’cause I know how hard it is to accept a person, with all of their flaws and.. Weird laughs.
Now, there are a bunch of people out there who are cutting themselves and feels like a bag of pure shit. (for a video of a girl who broke my heart click here) And I’m embarrassed to say that, yes I have also cut myself once. And I truly did not have a legit reason to do so. I felt horrible, yeah. I hated myself, the way I looked and the future scared the living shit out of me. But I never wanted to die. I don’t. It wasn’t a try to get attention, I had friends and family. I didn’t get bullied, if you look past the ‘omg she’s so fat’ jokes, I would hear being whispered around. I have never told anyone of this. My family is clueless. And the scars on my wrists are bare noticeable. And I don’t want them to know. None of them will go “I understand why you did it”, because I don’t understand. It was years ago, and I don’t think about it at all anymore. It’s like, after the year where I was hiding from the outside world, my look on life has changed. My thoughts about things aren’t the same anymore. I am more real now. I have done some things, where at the time it seemed like the only or best solution (like cutting) where as now I am disgusted by my actions, stupidity and overall outlook on my life.
I finally know the true meaning of one of my favorite quotes: ” If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.”
I don’t know who said this, but it’s so simple, and makes perfect sense. I wouldn’t be this happy me now, if I didn’t go through that year.
I used to think that my life would be bleak and that I wouldn’t be happy. I believe now, that even if I don’t get the husband (or wife) and the 2,5 children, I will still be happy.