Believe it or not, at some point we actually got an assignment in school to write about porn. If it was my creepy coffee breath and “I F*CKING LUUUUV POTATO PRINTS” art teacher that told us to do this, I wouldn’t have been the least surprised. But no, it was my 60-year-old Danish teacher who also manned to library doing breaks (it you placed a book in the wrong section she would eat you), that told us to do search up on some porn, write a fucking three page novel about it “and remember links”, <- that made me question the intent for this assignment. Turned out later that she meant links for articles that we used, not the actual link to a porn site. I found that out the hard way. She didn’t finish telling us everything before the bell ringed, and said that she would tell us all about it the next day, and that we would have a week to do this. For the first and last time in my life, I actually wanted the class to keep going. I didn’t want it to end. I fucking wanted to know more about this porn assignment.

I was around 16 or 17 when this happened, and it was in my final year of school. We had been doing a lot of exam stuff, and hadn’t really had to write a paper, wich I loved by the way. I believe I’ve already wrote a post about how annoying I was on that subject.

It’s important to understand that I knew about sex. I hadn’t done it, yet, but I was very educated about it. Was it because my parents sat down and told me about the birds and the bees? No. I actually really want to know how that story goes. Anyone know it? Please tell me. I’ve always wondered. It was because I have three older siblings. Two boys, and one sister who loved boys. I used to share a room with my big brother who is five years older than me. Bunk beds. I had the top one, because when you say “Moooooom” in a really loud pitched voice, you get what you want. One day his friend was over and I was told that if I didn’t stay in my bed, my dolls would come alive at night and eat me. I obviously believed him, I did have some pretty creepy dolls. And before we would sleep he would tell me that he heard them planning my death.

My brother was playing some kind of a game on our Nintendo 69 remember that one? His friend then climbed up to sit in my bed so that he could see better. He said that and my brother replied “what you wanna fuck her?” He then laughed and his friend was all like “ew no. Gross!” I should tell you that the danish word for this is ‘Knep’. The next day at school I told my friend this, and she said: “He wanted to ‘knipse with you?” ‘Knipse’ is the word for snapping your fingers. They don’t even rhyme, but apparently that was what made the most sense to her. That was when I realised that I knew way too many dirty words for a girl my age. So I behaved. I acted innocent, wich would backfire, and I got teased for not knowing about such dirty things. If they only knew…. Well, they would probably be disgusted.

Oh yeah the ‘Porn Assignment’. Totally forgot. We was to do research on why people watched porn, what it did for them (obviously makes them feel good, duh) and if girls watch porn as well. Stuff like that. I’ve never really watched porn like that. Sure I’ve stumbled on some frisky pages, but I never went to one for a purpose, if you know what I mean. I have though seen a porn tape, well only a couple of seconds of it. But, yes a tape. I came home from school one day, and wanted to finish watch a movie I saw in parents bedroom before my mother told me to go to bed. So I just pressed play. But it was not my Barbie dancing movie that came on. It was two people having sex. Stunned and scarred for life I quickly turned it off and sat in my room disturbed at how my Barbie film could turn into something like that. It wasn’t until later that I realised my father had a pretty good night.

So yes, I knew about porn, sex and dirty words. I would’ve written an awesome paper about all of this. The fantasies maybe a fetish and other stuff that people visit porn sites for. The quick relief, or maybe a girl being curious. Don’t even get me started on the gay porn, I would’ve written a freaking poem for that. But I did none of that, because I was innocent, remember?


(I don’t feel good about putting this post in the family category….)