So here’s the thing. I have problems about the way I look, just like everybody have.

There’s bad days, good days and days where I want to end it all, because I can’t stand hearing what people are saying about me and my body anymore. I am overweight. And I truly mean that. I’m not one of those girls that freak over the fact that their thighs touch each other. Bitch my thighs have touched each other all my life. They’re best friends. Not trying to be a bitch, it’s just makes me angry when skinny girls complain about being fat, when us fat people dream of looking like you.

Anyway, my best friend knows about how I feel about myself. I don’t talk about it often, but he knows. I’ve been in a relationship for about two months now, and apparently my ex found out and decided to spam my email with “You’re fucking ugly. he will never love you. You’re fat. Cow. bitch.” And other things about my weight. He’s not a very nice guy and we only dated for two weeks.

I like to think that these words don’t hurt me, but deep down they do. I told my best friend about this (over email ‘cause he lives in america and I’m stuck in Denmark) It was a pretty long email, going from me being all sad then angry then pissed and then sad again. He just wrote back “You are beautiful.”

I had to laugh.

1.) I wrote him a three page novel and I get a three words reply.

2) He’s blind :)

I stated the obvious here. And this was what he wrote back (I copied and pasted, man so enjoy the words of my best friend):

Mie, I don’t have to see to know that you’re beautiful. I’ve known you for years now. I know how you react to different things. How you treat people. How offended you get when people don’t understand your sarcasm. How you can get lost in your own mind for hours. How funny you are. How fucking lazy you are. Even though you love being around people you just want to sit alone in your room sometimes. How you hate it when girls complain over being ugly when you think it’s not true. Then think that maybe they really have issues with themselves. Then you regret what you said. And then you’ll say sorry to the Facebook picture of them. How sometimes you pretend to be famous, then think that that’s ridiculous. Then you’ll look around to see if anybody’s watching you, and then sit back and keep dreaming. Yes, I know these things about you. I know you. And you’re clearly beautiful on the inside, and I can only assume that it shines through. Maybe I’m not the blind one here :).

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Shut Up Brain. I Hate You.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be good enough. I don’t even know what good enough means. It’s just, all of a sudden I’m filled with these insecurities. Will I ever be good enough to get a job, will I be good at that job? What about a husband or wife? Will I ever be a good wife or mother? I am only 18 years old, and I really shouldn’t be thinking about these things, and it’s not like I do it all of the time, but sometimes I just feel utterly useless and starts to question every motherfucking thing. It’s not healthy for me, the rest of my day or sleep will be affected by it. I just can’t shut my brain up.

When I was younger I obviously didn’t have these thoughts, I did however lie awake thinking about all of the things I hated about my body. Whenever I see, hear or read about girls that complain about their bodies, saying stuff like: ‘I really should lose some weight! I hate my thighs! I can’t reach around my wrist.  I AM SOOOO FAT, OMG.’  I get so fucking pissed, because there is nothing wrong with these girls, they don’t know what it’s like to buy the biggest size there is. To hear your mother say; but, Mie, are you sure they have that in your size?? Or when your so-called friends say; she was really fat, no offense Mie, but like not like you, she was fatter!

I’ve never ever complained about my weight in front of people or on Facebook. I never say it out loud. And when these skinny or “normal” girls do, I am afraid that my body will never be good enough. Whatever that means.

– Mie.